You know what? Real makes horrible, horrible, annoying software products.

I happened to be looking at my Add Remove/Programs listing today and discovered that my system must have been pre-installed with Real Jukebox (god knows I wouldn't do it -- I've been annoyed by RealPlayer too many times to install anything else from Real without cringing). But I know a guy at work who uses Real Jukebox religiously, so I thought I'd give it a go.

Started up the program from my Start Menu, and the Jukebox launched it's ugly self, but then told me it needed configuration. I had a choice, Express setup (with only 1 measly teensy step more to finish installing) or Custom setup (9 loooonng, boring, you-don't-need-to-do-this steps). Knowing how Real likes to f&*k up your computer settings as much as it chooses, I picked the custom setup. Then it told me that there was a "NEW NEW Jukebox! Would I like to download this exciting NEW version! It's NEW NEW NEW!" I clicked "No". Another dialog box opened, telling me that there was a "NEW NEW Jukebox! Would I like to download this exciting NEW version! It's NEW NEW NEW! Oh dear GOD, ITS NEW!!!". Again, I clicked "No".

The rest of the installation went as follows:

RJBX: Do you want to use RealJukebox to be the default player for your audio files?
Ian: Which audio files?
RJBX: Um, you know, your audio files. I can't tell you which ones because then you'd say No.
Ian: Clicked "No".
RJBX: Are you sure?
Ian: Yes (dammit).
RJBX: Do I have a portable device for this system?
Ian: (Well, I have an iPod, so) "Yes"
RJBX: Which one is it? (showing 1 choice, no iPod)
Ian: None of these (this(?))
RJBX: Would you like to contact Real Networks for more devices?
Ian: Yes
RJBX: Please hold
RJBX: Which one is it? (still no iPod, but a plug-in for Roxio EZ CD Creator)
Ian: The Roxio one (wait, there's two different Roxio plugins listed)
RJBX: Do you want me to add security to your files so you can only play them on this computer?
Ian: Um, no thanks.
RJBX: Do you want me to play CDs when you insert them?
Ian: Load up a 10 MB program just to play a CD? Not on your life.
RJBX: Do you want me to do all kinds of whizz-bang stuff on the web when you put a CD in?
Ian: No, I just told you not to do anything when I put a CD in
RJBX: You sure?
Ian: Yes.
RJBX: Do you want me to tell Real Jukebox engineers about your usage habits by default?
Ian: No (clearing checkbox from hard-to-understand interface)
RJBX: Do you want me to test your CD burning capabilities?
Ian: No, (picking the "I have already burned CDs using this computer and don't want to check burning capabilities" option)
RJBX: Please insert CD to test CD burning capabilities
Ian: "Cancel" (where's the "Listen up, idiot!" button)
RJBX: Great! You're almost done. Give me your email address and postal code so I can send you stuff!
Ian: Fake information inputted
RJBX: Great! Don't forget to register later.
Ian: Grrr...

Program starts.... Popup dialog says "There's a NEW NEW Jukebox available! Would I like to download this exciting NEW version! It's NEW NEW NEW!" Frick's sake. Fine -- what's the NEW version? Click weblink.

"Real Jukebox is now REALONE!!!..."

I'm outta here. Close crappy website. Close crappy jukebox and resolve never to try another Real Product unless large caliber weapons are brought in close proximity to my head and threats are made. Notice that there is now a Real "SmartCenter" icon in my tray. Gosh, I remember granting the program the right to do that. Wait. NO I DIDN'T. Went to Add/Remove products. Uninstalled RealJukebox/RealPAININTHEASS. At least that was easy.

Make your life better. Stay the hell away from Real and all it's products. You'll live longer.